Separation.....

As a mother I never thought that I would be in the position I am in now. I DO NOT HAVE A LIFE!

For years I have always put my daughter’s needs in front of my own. Giving up college so I can be more attentive to her well being, changing a secure job so I can be home more and experience all the things I’ve missed, and going back to situation that’s not conducive to my life to give her structure. 

But as I sit here alone as she is on vacation I realize just how unaccomplished and dependent I am on my teenage child.

I know….I know you might clown me or have so many things to say but until you get to this place in your life….DONT JUDGE ME!

What I don’t get is….how did I get here?

I used to be the fun person…the girl everyone wanted to hang with and knew all the hot spots

I always lived my life after she was taken care of but over the past couple of years it’s like my life has stopped. Honestly every time I try to plan or do anything I get this sense of overwhelming gilt in my heart. I spend a lot of time crying now and looking back over my life. 

Sometimes I wish I would have continued to work three jobs so I would not have to think about the loneliness.

As you read this you might say since she is a teenager you can do more but I don’t feel that way. My thought is this is when they need you the most. Think about it!!

If you have a girl child… you got teenage sex, sneaking out, sexting, social media, self-masturbation, making sure she knows how to be her own woman and so much more.

If you have a boy child…. You got the stigmation of all black boys don’t amount to anything, gangs, the police (that’s another blog in itself), sex, completing school, and for the single moms making sure he knows he is loved in spite of.

With these things and so much more in mind it’s a lot of pressure

 I am curious…does this feeling ever go away?